Strange are the ways of the Humble

1. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   And the things that he does are all wrong.
   To record all his faults
   We've filled up the vaults
   With the rest of the words of this song.
   


2. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   His house it is full of loose change.
   He has a spare door
   Which he keeps on the floor
   So it doesn't get wet when it rains.
   


3. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   His khazi's a dangerous place.
   The turds of four years
   Will reduce you to tears
   And the smile it will wipe from your face.
   


4. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   When he goes out to Sainsbargs to buy
   A ton of dead pig
   And a large breakfast rig
   He'll return with two sarcophagi.
   


5. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   His linguistic ability's small.
   He'll order three more,
   But get given four,
   Of which two aren't for us after all.
   


6. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   And many and varied his wrongs.
   He really did skewer
   That poor Maxwell Dewar
   When he buggered about with his prongs.
   


7. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   And ne'er was a truer word spoken.
   He's tried to repair
   Many things, without flair,
   And most of them ended up broken.
   


8. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   His house is exceedingly thin.
   His famous flat roof
   Provides long-lasting proof
   That a team of two flymen can win.
   


9. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
   In his cellar a freezer there lurks.
   It takes a flycrew
   And a lump hammer, too,
   To ensure it continually works.
   


10. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And strange is the beard on his chin.
    You'll not be a fan
    Of what's in his grill pan
    Or his terribly dangerous bin.
    


11. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His house it is made of old bricks.
    It also has got
    A door with the rot
    And a paper from nineteen-oh-six.
    


12. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His spare bedroom contains a spare bed.
    His front door will snub
    The man from the pub
    Who applies baseball bats to your head.
    


13. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And his sister is stranger by far.
    She doesn't want me
    But some random Kiwi,
    But she does like to borrow my car.
    


14. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    The whole Humble clan is uncouth.
    Peter and Mary
    Are really quite scary,
    But nothing's as nasty as Ruth.
    


15. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His cooker's exceedingly coarse.
    While cooking the bread
    He inserts his head
    To see what's become of the gas.
    


16. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And though he may start to object,
    There's really no end
    To the ways he can bend
    The company cars that he's wrecked.
    


17. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His house is exceedingly narrow.
    The roof of his loo
    Is quite far from the true
    But his doorframe's as straight as an arrow.
    


18. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    He's a wiz at domestic repair.
    His house is appalling -
    What keeps it from falling
    Is Gaffa tape, luck, and a prayer.
    


19. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And the things that he builds are erratic.
    To keep on the light,
    Let's hope that he's right
    As he plays with his VARs that are static.
    


20. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    In the back of the Morrish-Mobile.
    His ways with a radish
    Are really quite saddish
    But he usually makes a good meal.
    


21. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His footwear's exceedingly ripe.
    His socks will attack
    From the vegetable rack
    With washing machines and gas pipe.
    


22. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    He ties up the Boses with longs.
    He's acquired the knack
    Of creating feedback
    And playing loud bangs during songs.
    


23. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    Like the bike-riding tech of P.R.
    As he turns to the right
    You hear him yell "Shite!"
    As he takes out the rear of a car.
    


24. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And strange are the people he meets.
    They're exceptional rude
    And they eat all his food -
    It's no wonder they kip on the streets!
    

25. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    For he Hoovers his living room ceiling.
    His ostensible purpose
    for Vaxing this surface
    is stopping the Artex from peeling.
    


26. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    and strange is his dining room table.
    The left-hand side flap
    is totally crap,
    and the other is rather unstable.
    


27. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    for he half-inches all of the bangers.
    His useless solution
    to this maldistribution
    is to whistle like one of the Clangers.
    


28. Strange are the ways of the Humble:
    his car isn't terribly cute.
    It's noted for dents and coins of five pence
    and Morrish, who's parked in the boot.
    


29. Strange are the ways of the Humble:
    his house is a total disaster.
    It's held up by pieces
    of woven adhesive
    and not by the bricks or the plaster.
    


30. Strange are the ways of the Humble:
    his face is distressingly hairy.
    He's noted for flocks
    of wandering socks
    and an inventive vocabulary.
    


31. Strange are the ways of the Humble:
    his grammar's severely disturbed.
    For, lo! he debates:
    level crossing sans gates
    is a noun that cannot be verbed.
    


32. Strange are the ways of the Humble:
    when he's in an IKEA queue
    he'll get all impulsive
    and buy a repulsive
    new sofa of indigo hue.
    


33. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    and strange are his e-mails to me.
    Those who think it appalling
    should note that his calling
    does not require literacy.
    


34. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    knowing Rodmell sure is a curse.
    For whatever I do
    he'll write one or two
    new stanzas to add to the verse
    

> > I ssem to remember you tried denting my car by reversing yours of
> > maintainence raps into the front seat of the fiesta

35. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His spelling is really a mess.
    He's omitted an 'm',
    Missed an 'f' off the end,
    And converted an 'e' to an 's'
    


36. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And his spelling of "maintenance" stinks.
    With that sort of spelling
    There's no way of telling
    What he'll do to his friends' kitchen sinks.
    


37. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    And his spelling is terribly poor.
    Why hasn't he found
    In his poking around
    What the Ameol spell checker's for?
    


38. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    His spelling is totally awful.
    It's influenced me
    To persuade my MP
    To declare such mistyping unlawful.
    


39. Strange are the ways of the Humble.
    Oh why is his spelling so bad?
    It should have been caught
    By the teacher who taught
    Him his English when he was a lad.
    


40. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    But we've taught him a number of tricks.
    He can order us brews
    (In powers of twos)
    And has left Compuserve to join Cix.
    


41. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    For he has a home-made half-adder.
    It doesn't have mice
    Or an output device
    Or very much else, for that matter.
    


42. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    and stranger the ways of his mates.
    There's one called the ulg,
    one with a bulg,
    and one who's f***ed off to the States!
    


43. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    he's crap at remembering rhymes.
    He'll fail to rehearse
    his new SATWOTH verse
    an infinite number of times.
    


44. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    It house it is out in the sticks.
    It's not that you're bored
    When you get to Stafford
    It's the traffic jams on the M6
    


45. Strange are the Wanks of the Humble
    for his conduit gets very warm.
    It's gone to his head!
    To light pR's shed
    shows himself to be lacking in gorm.
    


46. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    For he 'phones you from somewhere secluded.
    He'll continue to bore
    you from seven oh-four
    up until Barwick Green has concluded.
    


47. Strange Are The Ways Of The Humble
    And his diction does not deserve praise.
    He goes out with his mates
    Then he calls up the States
    Though they don't comprehend what he says.
    


48. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    In this conf. he has written these words:
    "I am coming to stay
    on the fifth day of May,"
    And he hasn't. Well, bollocks. And turds.
    


49. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    his bog is a dangerous thing.
    To flush out the piss
    is a bit hit and miss,
    as it's all held together with string.
    


50. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    it has oft been alleged he's insane.
    he has gone to Long Beach
    to find someone to teach
    him to die david driving a plane.
    


51. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    His less-than-cute car is no more
    since the MoT man went pale
    and marked the form "fail"
    as both his feet went through the floor!
    


52. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He really is daft as a puddin'
    He's been kicked in the arse
    By a vendor of cars
    Who refuses to sell him a good'un.
    


53. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    he's never at home when you call.
    "I am coming from here
    with a car-load of beer",
    said I - he didn't listen at all :-)
    


54. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    It's a shame his map reading's so shitty.
    For he flew from ½d
    on a course marked "N E"
    but he crashed on the capital city
    


55. Strange are the ways of the Humble:
    he's not such a terrible bloke
    but he does cause us pain
    when he gets out his plane
    and crashes it over the Smoke.
    


56. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    and strange his eponymous conf.
    Which, because of this post
    (though I do hate to boast)
    now has one thousand items of bumf :-)
    


57. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    Avoid when he's filling his face.
    His inhalation of peas
    will cause him to sneeze
    and he'll spray cod all over the place!
    


58. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    (a phrase that has often been said).
    For one of his habits
    is buying the Abbots
    but sadly neglecting the Ted.
    


59. Strange are the ways of the Humble.
    In this conf, he's now written /these/ words:
    "I shall come for a beer
    on twelfth March, have no fear".
    [all together now] But he hasn't...
    


60. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He and Frargs are both mythical creatures.
    If he fails to show
    May fourteenth, Chicago,
    We must rearrange all of his features.
    


61. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    For him, grocery shopping's a breeze.
    For it's total and utter
    Crap to say "Butter
    "is of or pertaining to cheese."
    

63. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    for his arse reeks of much aged egg.
    He'll fart like a horse
    then the liquid, of course
    will cascade like a stream down his leg.
    


64. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    for his nads are excessivly warm.
    PR likes his tool cryogenicly cool.
    And Morrish is nearer the norm
    


65. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He fails to partake of a dram
    instead he'll sit back
    and relax while his back
    is massaged by a barmaid called Pam.
    


66. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    His choices of dressing don't please.
    His salad was cute
    even with the beetroot
    but not when he added blue cheese
    


67. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    with cisterns and ball-cocks and such
    his instinct to plumb
    will make us succumb
    and we really won't like it to much
    


68. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    Don't let him fix trailers to cars!
    Or when you get to a light
    Morrish'll shout "Shite!"
    and say "Humble: this elbow, this arse!"
    

68. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    for the seat of his sofa is red
    which makes us opine
    that he's not alkaline
    for his arse is acidic instead.
    


69. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    (a phrase often used in this song).
    He's now known to own
    a walkable phone
    with a specially-fitted bent prong.
    


70. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    his car has a burglar alarm:
    he's found a new switch,
    the toggling of which
    will cause people's hearing great harm
    


71. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    his G&T-making is chronic:
    he's crushing the ice
    neglecting the slice
    and starting the thing with the tonic!
    


72. Strange are the ways of the Humble,
    but you know, at the end of the day,
    to your jubilation
    he _will_ find the station
    in his strangely suboptimal way.
    


73. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    (though one hates to appear to be snide).
    His hard disk he kills
    for his file-mangler skills
    are on the suboptimal side.
    


74. Strange are the ways of the Humble.
    You can tell he's a bit of an ape.
    It's clear if he types "del",
    one can easily tell
    he will have to reload it from tape.
    


75. Strange is the house full of Humbles
    If using his shower, be told:
    The danger is not
    The scalp scorchingly hot
    But the nadger-detachingly cold.
    


76. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He has an extravagant touch.
    The fact that he's willing
    To lose coins of ten shilling
    Shows that GEC pay him too much.
    


77. *Strange* are the ways of the Humble
    and strange is his bowling to Mark.
    You can hear him shout "shite"
    as he takes out the light
    and leaves us to bat in the dark.
    


78. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He's now aged 2^5
    but many displays
    of suboptimal ways
    makes one think he's not really alive
    


79. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    And stranger by far when he's wetter.
    If your hat is on loan
    Then don't let it get blown
    In the lake and then say that it's better.
    


80. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    And strange are the routes that he chooses.
    I say this because
    He stopped en route to Oz
    At my house, 'cause that's where the booze is.
    


81. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    When you call him, start plus six one two.
    He's getting no tone
    On his 'Stralian phone
    So it won't do much good if you do.
    


82. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He's known for extracting the urine.
    He'll call New Year's Eve,
    Try to make you believe
    He's not in the Millennium you're in.
    


83. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    his advice to get chez ULG:
    "One will find, if one checks, it
    matters which exit
    one takes off the FAKB".
    


84. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    because he goes "Beep!" and then "Weeble!"
    He tries to arrange
    words so as to seem strange
    but the attempt comes across as quite feeble.
    

85. SATStrange are the ways of the Humble
    A story we often discuss
    is the skill he displayed
    when in Adelaide
    by backing up into a bus
    


86. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    when he makes a telephone call
    he ought to have known
    that his wandering phone
    is not a nad-scratcher at all
    


87. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    They get stranger as Humble gets older
    He won't sit on a bench
    Preferring to clench
    his buttocks, and sit on a boulder
    


88. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He really is right off his trolley
    for someone has sold
    him a table, pre-holed
    with a circular space for a brolly.
    


89. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    He's really a terrible chump
    for he says it's mental
    to ring Hertz van Rental
    before he's complted his dump.
    

90. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    And strange are the reasons he'll call
    He imagines that "near"
    Means "the same hemisphere"
    And Sao Paulo's the same as Saint Paul.
    


91. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    And strange are the ways he goes forth
    Rio from Sydney
    For men of his kidney
    Involves going far to the North.
    


92. Strange are the ways of the Humble
    To a round the world trip he is beckoned
    When pR and Psi jeer
    "Get your arse into gear"
    He'll say "Which do you want?" and hint "2nd"